Nihilism at its finest

I’m just going to write and post this because lately every time I attempt to put something in writing I end up deleting it.

I’m tired. Often I find I’m too tired to write lately, which is very saddening, because writing is my therapy. I recently received a job promotion at my 9-5, and the best part is, I genuinely enjoy what I do. The way it works out though, after taxes and deductions, I actually make about the same as I made in my previous position. In my previous job, there were overtime opportunities, so often I’d actually make MORE than I do now. I know the experience I’m receiving in this new position is priceless (or so I’m told), but I’m feeling cynical about it all, and a little hopeless. I have loads of student and credit card debt, bills on top of bills, and no end in sight. I was more on top of my finances when I was serving tables than I am now. But I hated serving tables. Mostly because I hated the questions whenever I called home, inquiring as to why I was still serving tables. I have always struggled with trying to make others happy without thinking about my needs. I fear “failure”, whatever that is. And so I worked my ass off and got out of serving and into a coveted 9-5 comfy job. Yes it’s comfortable, yes I have benefits. It’s all good. But is it? Is this what I’ve wanted, or is this what we are told to want? I let the system brainwash me, and now I feel more confused than 16 year old me.

I hate to play the millennial card, but we are a doomed generation. As children we were told we could be ANYTHING we wanted to be. But reality hits when you turn 17 and you are told you must go to university, but to do that you have to take out thousands of dollars in student loans; but don’t worry, you don’t have to pay those until 6 months after you graduate!! So you enjoy your liberal arts degree because it fulfills your soul and mind, until 6 months before graduation, when the anxiety and realization of what 17-year-old you signed up for begins to creep in. So there you are, smiling through the fear as you collect your $40,000 piece of paper with absolutely no career prospects and no clue how to manage your finances.

Here I am, 2.5 years after achieving my degree, with this career thing I was supposed to get, and a boyfriend who also has a full time career, yet we are struggling to make ends meet. And it makes me so frustrated and upset. If this is the life society shoves down our throats from high school into adulthood, we need to re-evaluate what is truly important in life. I no longer receive those calls from home wondering where the hell my life is headed, because in their eyes, I’ve hit the jackpot! I have my career started, there’s no need to worry! Right? Well, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. When I got to the end of the rainbow there was no pot of gold, just a heap of anxiety and a slap in the face from reality.

And so I’m going to make more time for the things I love to do. Writing is my number one, and painting is a new thing in which I find great enjoyment. I need to piece together how to make an income from writing so I can finally do what I love to do. If anyone has any tips, please let me know. 😊

I apologize for the bitterness. I just needed to return to my therapeutic ways. I have many positive things upcoming, but today I needed to vent. Does anyone else ever just feel so frustrated, but they don’t feel they have a proper outlet? Thank you for allowing me to unwind.

 

 

 

 

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11 thoughts on “Nihilism at its finest

  1. Hey, you should look in to freelance work. Just google upwork/freelancer and you should have a starting point.
    There are always jobs/tasks advertised requiring artistic/written tallant.
    The pay to begin with will not be great, however it will get better over time as you gain expirience, or depending on how good you are at what you do.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I feel like, in real life, we’d go get coffee or wine or whatever and chat for hours with a great deal spoken in the moments of silence as well as the actual audible bits.

    I just had a heart-to-heart over the phone with my lifelong bff about these same things in this post. I’d been vacillating between two potential jobs/career paths.

    One felt more fulfilling but paid a very modest amount. It was with one of the nation’s most established and esteemed institutions. It was a respectable job in the education-sphere. But it would present an intense learning curve with the sacrifice of many of my free hours. Not to mention, I didn’t really fit in with the office culture with the particular small group I’d be working with. I might be unhappy working here on a day-to-day basis, but I’d feel proud telling people what I did.

    The second job is something I have more direct experience in… I love the people that work there. They are creative, funny, and intellectually stimulating. I have a great friend there actually… and it pays ~25k MORE. But, I worried about having a sense of purpose and integrity (it’s a writing role, but heavy heavy heavy marketing). I’d probably love day-to-day living and the close relationships I’d likely build here, but might not be as proud to explain job details.

    She told me what you said in these lines: “the road to hell is paved in good intentions.”

    I’m trying to let the romantic, whimsical, liberal arts major in me stay alive via therapeutic forms of writing/reading, hiking/running (granted I still can’t move well post surgical complications this summer), art/photography/whatever is beautiful and real.

    But I’m also trying to be pragmatic and reasonable. I’m trying to understand that a good paying job can help me contribute financially to other humane causes I care about… perhaps provide for a family one day. But where does one draw that line in the sand? Where one’s values, integrity, and moral compass can not be compromised for any amount of money and societal respect… ?

    All I know for now is that I have to fight for both sides. Artistic/spiritual fulfillment and career fulfillment. I wonder if they are mutually exclusive. I don’t know… but either way… This is life.

    The best we can do is find various outlets that define our personhood. Some outlets might allow us to survive. Some others might help us thrive. Maybe one job or role fulfills both the survival aspects as well as thriving aspects. But this post reminds me that shared frustrations RE: this mythical pot of gold are part of the human experience.

    It is up to us to find our own unique metaphorical pots of gold that bring us some semblance of meaning and purpose. But we’ve all gotta pay the bills first… for better or worse.

    I’m grateful to know their our struggling souls like yours out there going through these same feelings… still fighting to bury those burdens and find ways to let a little bit of light shine through these grey days of confusion, frustration, and debt.

    All the best to you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for this- knowing someone else out there shares what I’ve been feeling and struggling with brings me so much comfort. Let us embrace these career opportunities that life has bestowed upon us, for no experience is without its purpose in the grand scheme of life. You should be so proud of yourself for keeping your artistic side alive. I know many people who allow the line between work self and their true Self become so blurry that they lose sight of who they are. I raise my wine glass to you, my friend 😊 and I wish you a quick and speedy recovery post-surgery!!

      -Nicole

      Liked by 1 person

    2. “Where one’s values, integrity, and moral compass can not be compromised for any amount of money and societal respect… ?”
      Money is, of course, a necessity. But societal respect? Society has screwed itself—you don’t need confirmation from that outside world. Focus on gaining the respect of those close to you, but even above that, feel respect for yourself no matter what you do. : )

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Nicole, as far as the money goes, you could try to minimize your spending on arbitrary items, and channel your spendings towards things that will help you create and provide for yourself. Don’t give in to consumer-culture, I guess that’s what I’m trying to say. About the taxes, and such… I know that here in the U.S., I think it’s about 30% of our salary that goes towards government taxes, which doesn’t leave us with much depending on what you do (being a school teacher, for example). I imagine it’s a similar situation for you.

    “I let the system brainwash me…”
    You have not let them brainwash you! You are one of the very few who do realize that the system is flawed, and you are fighting back against it. Like you said, you are re-centering your energy on things that make you happy—writing, for example—instead of completely neglecting it.

    It’s obvious that you would love to be able to write for an income. There are a few ways you could start this. Enter as many writing contests as you feel—for some, you may need to pay an entrance fee to participate—and the finalists usually get rewarded with a decent amount of money. Yeah, I know it sounds a bit childish, but it never hurts to get your writing out there, and possibly get noticed! Also, contests give you a hard deadline, and even if you are not set on winning anything, having the clock counting over your head makes you motivated to just sit down and write for yourself, if anything. Research a few magazines (print or online) that you could submit some of your writing to. Feel free to check out this link; http://www.bostonglobe.com/magazine/aboutthemagazine. They publish personal essays from people. I think some topics I’ve seen you write about would really fit their criteria.

    “…there was no pot of gold, just a heap of anxiety and a slap in the face from reality.”
    Our reality is simply a mirror of our internal world. No matter what ends up happening through life, always remember your sixteen year-old self, keep venting, and stay true to your aspirations—not aspirations carved out for you by societal conventions.

    I’ll be hanging around if you ever need someone to listen.
    God bless!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Yep. You’re not alone! I just started looking into ways to monetize my writing. You might look into affiliate marketing. I’m feeling it out. I want to sell my writing and build a freelance career, but if I can make a bit of income using it to sell something else, I guess I have to go for it, right? I’ve been telling myself Rome wasn’t built in a day, at least three times a day… It’s hard not to get discouraged. Have to keep trying, though, or else I’ll go insane. Good luck to you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s fantastic that you have 4 children pursuing post-secondary. Coming from me, they will ultimately be so grateful for pursuing more education. It is a time in my life that I cherished, and while sometimes I have these moments of venting and frustration, it was through learning that I was introduced to a universe that is bigger than one’s own. I wouldn’t trade it for the world 😊

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you so much. Your reply was very encouraging. I only went to grade 12 in high school, and I regret that. An still working a blue collar job, currently in a warehouse at 59 very tired at the end of each day.

        Very proud of my children. My oldest has just started teaching, her starting salary is 50% more that I make where I am now. Yes she has student debt, but will in a few years be much further ahead than I will ever be. And she loves what she is doing.

        Hoping something works out with your writing. Something I am passionate about as well I have written for free for local papers and a local sports magazine hoping some bigger publication will notice. 🙂

        Like

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