Nihilism at its finest

I’m just going to write and post this because lately every time I attempt to put something in writing I end up deleting it.

I’m tired. Often I find I’m too tired to write lately, which is very saddening, because writing is my therapy. I recently received a job promotion at my 9-5, and the best part is, I genuinely enjoy what I do. The way it works out though, after taxes and deductions, I actually make about the same as I made in my previous position. In my previous job, there were overtime opportunities, so often I’d actually make MORE than I do now. I know the experience I’m receiving in this new position is priceless (or so I’m told), but I’m feeling cynical about it all, and a little hopeless. I have loads of student and credit card debt, bills on top of bills, and no end in sight. I was more on top of my finances when I was serving tables than I am now. But I hated serving tables. Mostly because I hated the questions whenever I called home, inquiring as to why I was still serving tables. I have always struggled with trying to make others happy without thinking about my needs. I fear “failure”, whatever that is. And so I worked my ass off and got out of serving and into a coveted 9-5 comfy job. Yes it’s comfortable, yes I have benefits. It’s all good. But is it? Is this what I’ve wanted, or is this what we are told to want? I let the system brainwash me, and now I feel more confused than 16 year old me.

I hate to play the millennial card, but we are a doomed generation. As children we were told we could be ANYTHING we wanted to be. But reality hits when you turn 17 and you are told you must go to university, but to do that you have to take out thousands of dollars in student loans; but don’t worry, you don’t have to pay those until 6 months after you graduate!! So you enjoy your liberal arts degree because it fulfills your soul and mind, until 6 months before graduation, when the anxiety and realization of what 17-year-old you signed up for begins to creep in. So there you are, smiling through the fear as you collect your $40,000 piece of paper with absolutely no career prospects and no clue how to manage your finances.

Here I am, 2.5 years after achieving my degree, with this career thing I was supposed to get, and a boyfriend who also has a full time career, yet we are struggling to make ends meet. And it makes me so frustrated and upset. If this is the life society shoves down our throats from high school into adulthood, we need to re-evaluate what is truly important in life. I no longer receive those calls from home wondering where the hell my life is headed, because in their eyes, I’ve hit the jackpot! I have my career started, there’s no need to worry! Right? Well, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. When I got to the end of the rainbow there was no pot of gold, just a heap of anxiety and a slap in the face from reality.

And so I’m going to make more time for the things I love to do. Writing is my number one, and painting is a new thing in which I find great enjoyment. I need to piece together how to make an income from writing so I can finally do what I love to do. If anyone has any tips, please let me know. 😊

I apologize for the bitterness. I just needed to return to my therapeutic ways. I have many positive things upcoming, but today I needed to vent. Does anyone else ever just feel so frustrated, but they don’t feel they have a proper outlet? Thank you for allowing me to unwind.

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Blogger Recognition Award x 2!

Happy Sunday blogging buddies! I was disconnected from all things technology this weekend while camping at the beautiful Golden Ears Provincial Park in Maple Ridge, BC!

golden ears aoulette
Alouette Campgrounds, Golden Ears Provincial Park

Over the weekend I was nominated for not one, but two Blogger Recognition Awards! Thank you to my blogging friends ihaveabadsenseofhumor and The Learnify for the nomination!

The Rules:

1.Write a post to show your award.
2.Thank the one who nominated you.
3.Briefly describe your journey as a blogger.
4.Give advice to other bloggers.
5.Nominate the deserving ones.

My Journey as a Blogger

I actually started my blog in November, 2014, but I didn’t start consistently posting until about 4 months ago. I’ve always loved writing, and have been an avid journal-er since I can remember. I’ve always loved to write but I always feared sharing it with anyone. I feared I wasn’t very good, I worried what others would think, I didn’t believe in the power of my words. I finally started this blog in 2014 because it dawned on me that if I never get over my fear of making my writing public, it’ll never be anything more than simply a hobby.

I wrote two blog posts in 2014 a couple of weeks apart, but I still holding myself back. I truly didn’t believe in the validity of my words. I didn’t think I was writing anything worth reading.

A few months ago I found myself unhappy in a serving job, and I put my mind to it and got myself out of that industry and into an entry level government job. I finally achieved what I pictured to be a “successful” life for a 24 year old. While my new job provides stability and comfort, it taught me that a title can’t maintain happiness. What makes me happy is doing the things I love, and writing is one of those things. It also taught me of perseverance and determination. I was determined to leave the serving industry and take the next step in my life. If I could successfully do that, why can’t I muster up the courage to share my writing with others? And so it was around this time I began regularly blogging. I won’t lie, I still get nervous with every post, but the nerves lessen each time. I’ve gained far more from my blogging experience than I ever thought possible. I’ve met so many likeminded individuals who also want to share their thoughts and passions with the world. I feel as though I’ve found my community, and nothing makes me happier than that.

My Advice to You

To all bloggers, new and seasoned, write what you are passionate about, not what you think others want to read. The greatest blogs I’ve read don’t fall into one category or one style of writing. I simply love the bloggers who bleed their thoughts onto the page (or screen). They don’t try to fit a mould, they just write what they want to write. Furthermore, don’t let more experienced writers intimidate you and make you feel as though your words aren’t worthy. I promise, there are. Your thoughts and ideas are unique to you. Your authenticity will attract likeminded people, and those people you will cherish and appreciate, even if they’re online friends who you may never meet. Remember Dr. Seuss’s advice, There is no one alive who is Youer than You! 

I’d Like to Nominate…

Well, this is the thing I don’t like about blog awards. The nomination part seems a little unfair. That being said, it does give me an opportunity to get to know my fellow bloggers a little better, and I always love reading people’s stories and advice. So, I am nominating a few people who I’ve connected with recently and would like to get to know better!

Stripped Down

Brittstepblog

Airg

That Girl With a Red Scarf

My Happy Corner Blog

 

 

 

 

 

 

Simplicity

The simplicity of your happiness reigns over my darkest days,

And while I’ve taught you to sit and stay, you’ve taught me of unconditional love.

I question whether man is worthy of such a companion,

When we are sad about yesterday and worried about tomorrow,

You find the joy in today.

Thank you, Marley, for teaching me to be present.

marley
In Action, photo credit: Trhippie

Inspired by the Daily Post’s daily prompt, simplicity.

In Darkness There is Light

It has been a week of ups and downs, and I spent its entirety just trying to steady the teeter-totter. It’s funny how much you can learn in a matter of days. I have so many seemingly unrelated thoughts that should (hopefully) all tie together by the end of this post.

Bear with me.


The Nature of My Blog Posts

My last few blog posts have definitely focused on some darker subject matter (The Power of ApologyThe Reality of Dreaming to name a couple). I’m overwhelmingly grateful for the love and positivity my fellow bloggers have shown me. As I’m sure you can empathize, writing on such vulnerable topics and then sharing them with the cyber-world is quite nerve-wracking, especially for an over-thinker like myself. Both of these posts were my responses to The Daily Post’s word prompts. Both times, I sat silently with the word stirring in my brain, and contemplated what the word really meant to me. In both cases, the results were dark.

But in darkness, my dear friends, one must remember to turn on the light.

My mind is in constant contemplation. I’m always thinking. My writing has always been a good indication of what my mind is working through. Lately, as is evident in my recent blog posts, I’ve been really digging deep. digging up thoughts from my childhood, exploring the depths of my sub-conscious. This is what I do, this is what I’ve always done. For example, my struggle with constantly saying I’m sorry. I can’t simply just accept the fact that I say it all the time, I need to know why. So what do I do? I go to the source. Where did this begin? Is it a recent development or has it been life-long? I think and then I write. It’s the exact same method with my tornado terror. After having that dream, I couldn’t accept the fact that somewhere inside of my consciousness, a tornado was destroying my life. I had to dig deeper, find its roots, and expose them via this blog.

Though the subject matter was heavy, I hope my readers can find the underlying positivity. I am only sharing my vulnerabilities and struggles in hopes that someone will find strength in it. Although I do have my struggles, I am overall a very happy, smiley, positive person. Writing is my escape, it’s where my over-abundance of thoughts can finally break free. Sometimes they will be joyful and light, and other times, they will expose my raw, uninhibited emotions.

I’ve noticed an unintentional pattern in my writing. It’s all a journey somewhere. Whether it’s a journey across Canada, or my ongoing journey to the self, My ultimate message is: there is light at the end of the tunnel.

This leads me to my next aching thought…

Who is theanalyzedlife?

When I revived theanalyzedlife a couple of months ago, I did a four part series on our trip across Canada. At the time I had also read some blogging tips that suggested figuring out what your blog will focus on. Will it be a travel blog? Makeup blog? Poetry? Fiction? Photography? I had been worried because I didn’t know what niche I fit into. While I dream of doing travel writing, I don’t yet have the means to travel as much as is required. I do believe that someday soon I will be able to travel this fascinating world and document it all with my words and my partner’s beautiful photographs. However, I realized very recently (today at lunch) that I’ve been longingly dreaming about the what-ifs, and I haven’t really thought of what-is:

My blog falls under many defining categories and cannot be confined to one niche. Ultimately, this is the story of a 20-something girl on a journey. The destination is uncertain, but the goal is clear: to be the greatest version of myself I can be. This is my journey to the self. I’m so happy to share my ups and downs with you, and hope that you always find the light amidst the darkness.

Thursday

The days leading up to Friday were exhausting in all areas of my life. Work had been particularly stressful as I’ve been given new responsibilities. I know we learn from our mistakes, but have you ever made consecutive mistakes at work that leave you feeling incompetent and on edge? That’s how it felt all week. My mind was so flurried with anxious thoughts that I couldn’t think with any clarity, causing even more mistakes. I was carrying this weight home with me all week.

On the home front, things haven’t been easy. My boyfriend has been dealing with depression for two years. This week he finally decided enough is enough, sought the help of a doctor and even shared his truth about depression via social media. A smile spread across my face as I read his honest post:

So, I’m going to practice what I preach.

I’m depressed. Been trying to cope with it myself for the last two years. Finally threw in the towel and decided to see a doctor.

Funny thing though, it was harder for me to get a weed card here than it was to get a Lexapro prescription………..

Anyways, I’m just saying this in hopes that people might stop hiding in the closet. Whether you’re depressed, gay, emotionless, or too emotional, stop fucking hiding from who you are.

I am not weak. Depressed people are not weak. I will use this lovely battle to build my character.

If you’ve ever battled depression, anxiety, or anything of the sort, you know how difficult it is to find any motivation at all. His progress is a huge step in the right direction. I’m unbelievably proud of his strength, but this week his depression really became real. His depression materialized in the forms of a bottle of prescription pills and a social media post. It wasn’t just words anymore. This week, his battle to conquer depression began.

The weight of it all became too much, and come Thursday, I couldn’t bear it any longer.

My day at work on Thursday was a mess. I felt as though my shitty feelings were seeping out of me without any control. I couldn’t hold myself together. I was slow and inaccurate all day. I thought I’d feel relief when I finally got home, but it only got worse. My body felt heavy. My mind was too foggy to think with clarity. After wallowing in my misery for a while, I decided to go on Word Press to distract myself. Fellow blogger My Wandering Heart had referred me to her post How I Kicked Anxiety and Depression in the Ass. Not only was the post encouraging and uplifting, she also left me a very thoughtful message on how I can find some balance in my own life. One thing she mentioned was taking up yoga. Prior to moving to Vancouver, I was doing yoga 4-5 times a week and absolutely loved the work out and the clarity it provided. As soon as I read her suggestion I thought, why the hell am I NOT doing yoga anymore? I had been so focused on my career and struggles at home that I forgot about myself. On Thursday night I made the active decision that Friday would be a good day.

And it was.

TGIF

I approached work with a completely different attitude on Friday. I didn’t let small mistakes control the course of my day. I listened, absorbed and even laughed in the face of error. It felt amazing.

My boyfriend and I met up for lunch. He had just gotten a new camera lens and I could feel the happiness in him as he talked about it. Few things make me happier than seeing him genuinely happy.

I signed up for yoga again and did a hot yoga class after work. I left feeling light, and for the first time all week, my mind felt clear.

I stopped being so hard on myself. I allowed myself to make mistakes. I allowed myself to release my stressors through physical activity.

Finally, I began writing this blog post.

It was an amazing end to an emotional whirlwind of a week.

 

I want to thank my beautiful boyfriend for his strength and perseverance. You encouraged me to take back control of my week.

I also want to thank My Wandering Heart. Your words were exactly what I needed to read, and they couldn’t have come at a better time. Thank you for allowing me to put things in perspective. Thank you for mentioning yoga. I’m so glad to be back.

I am truly humbled by the beautiful people I’ve met through Word Press. There are so many genuine, kind, talented souls here and I feel as though I’m part of a community.

Thank you all.

 


Feature image of the sunset by my talented partner, Trhippie

 

 

 

 

The Road to Vancouver Part 4: This is the End

Onwards and Upwards

The mountains are calling and I must go…

IMG_5128
Takkakaw Falls walk-in campgrounds, Yoho National Park, AB

We arrived in Medicine Hat, Alberta early on August 24th, 2015. We continued on to Calgary and decided to drive around the city for a while since I had never been there before. Jon took me to the rugby pitch he once played at, and we explored a bit of downtown. There’s something I find so calming about driving through a city’s downtown core. I feel as though it’s the window to the city’s soul, revealing beauty and chaos intertwined.

IMG_5104
Downtown Calgary, AB

A quick car tour of Calgary was sufficient, as our minds were focused on our next destination: Banff National Park.

Banff and Yoho National Parks

I’ve been struggling to find the words to describe our time in Banff and Yoho National Parks. Yoho is named after a Cree expression for “awe and wonder,” need I say more? The pictures I am sharing are only a glimpse into the displays of nature’s breathtaking beauty.

IMG_5111
Approaching Banff National Park, AB

Once we arrived at Banff National Park and paid for our day passes, we stopped at the shops near Lake Louise to stock up on food for the evening. If you’re planning a trip to Banff, I strongly suggest packing a cooler of food before entering the Park; the prices are nearly double what they would be in a regular grocery store. Our next order of business: find somewhere to camp. While Banff isn’t lacking in campgrounds, every site we found was at its capacity for the evening. Much to my dismay, the campgrounds nearest Lake Louise were full, too. Although I dreamed of camping by the stunning Lake Louise, we continued onwards toward Yoho National Park, and upwards into the mountains.

IMG_5118
Mountain Driving, Yoho National Park, AB

Although you can’t see over the edge, this drive was terrifying and awe-inspiring all at once. The lanes on these Rocky Mountain-roads were so tight, and if I am not mistaken, we drove upwards for about 20 minutes. Since our entire trip was impromptu, I don’t exactly know how high up we were or how long it took us to get there. We finally pulled over when we found a walk-in campground with vacancies. This campground was definitely designed for a more seasoned camper, and it was a fascinating experience. There was no office to ask questions or pay for your campsite, no showers and little guidance. We eventually figured out the protocol after talking to the other campers. Once you’ve picked an empty campsite, you fill out a card with your information and your campsite number, put the fees in an envelope, and drop it in the designated box. This trust-based system felt very Canadian.

Once we got settled in, we began exploring the area. I am forever grateful that we stumbled upon this particular campground, because it was right next to the glacier waterfall, Takkakaw Falls.

IMG_5133
Takkakaw Falls, Yoho National Park, AB

The sound of the falls washed away every thought, every worry, every struggle leading up to that point of our trip. The beauty of the icy-blue glacier stream was unparalleled by anything I had ever seen. Every doubt I had about moving across the country without a plan or a clue as to what was next on the horizon vanished at this moment. When you are surrounded by natural beauty of this scope, everything in life is put into perspective. These mountains have been here for millions of years. They preceded and will succeed my existence. It is truly a humbling experience that can hardly be put into words, and must be experienced to be understood.

Clueless Camping

Back to reality… It was getting cold as the day turned to evening, and we needed to build a fire. Simple enough task, right? Wrong. All of the kindling we were able to find was damp, and we were struggling to get this fire started for around an hour before a kind family next to us gave us some dry firewood. We continued to struggle because we needed some dry kindling to start the fire. Yet another family came by and provided us with some kindling. We were so amateur compared to the seasoned campers that surrounded us, but their generosity and neighbourly attitude saved us from having a cold, dark evening.

Once our fire was burning, we were joined by a fellow wandering soul. I don’t remember his name, but I will never forget his energy. He was on his own, and had been driving through the Rockies on his motorcycle for the summer, stopping to camp at various sites along the way. His story inspired me. He had found contentment and clarity in simplicity. He didn’t have a regular 9-5 lifestyle, and he wasn’t dragging around a plethora of useless stuff. It was him, his bike and the road. He did, however, share some delicious pastries with us in exchange for us sharing our fire with him. He was the true embodiment of that saying, those who wander are not lost.

As night fell, so did the temperature. I forgot to mention earlier that we decided not to pack sleeping bags, thinking a couple of blankets would suffice. I woke up in the middle of the night, my body completely stiff as we only had a blanket  between us, the tent and the ground, and I was freezing. Poor Marley was even shivering, which brought me to tears. The temperature must have been around 0°C or below. Jon in his brilliance decided to put the warmer blanket underneath us to create a warmer barrier between the cold, hard ground. we also brought Marley under the blanket and sandwiched him between us for more warmth. We made it through the night, but it was tough. Lesson learned: Do NOT sacrifice sleeping bags when camping in the mountains.

Final Destination: Vancouver

Although we wanted to stay in the National Parks and continue camping for a few days, we were too ill-prepared to survive sleeping in those conditions. We had one more stop before our final destination: Lake Louise.

IMG_5189
Marley and me, Lake Louise, AB

Before you comment on my outfit, let me explain. When we woke up that morning I was still freezing, and it was still cold outside. There was no way I was changing out of my pajamas. I was tired, bones still chilled, but euphoric nonetheless. Lake Louise’s beautiful blue and calm water with its mountainous backdrop was so incredibly picturesque it didn’t even seem real.

IMG_5132
Lake Louise, AB

There’s nothing more that is needed to be said about Lake Louise. If you ever have the chance to experience it, I urge you to. You won’t regret it.

The final stretch of our trip is when reality set in once more. This is it. Once we arrive, the vacation ends and we have to figure out our lives again. Although I was scared, I still didn’t have a single regret. The absolute worst case scenario was that it doesn’t work out and we go back home. Even if that were the case, I still wouldn’t have regretted this trip. In this case, it wasn’t the destination, but the journey that was the most defining part.

The drive to Vancouver was eight hours of driving through the mountains. My jaw was dropped in awe for its entirety.

IMG_5162
Somewhere between Alberta and British Columbia

Arriving in Vancouver was a huge feat. Although our trip had been shortened to half the time of our original plan of 10 days, it felt so good to reach our destination.

IMG_5168
Golden Ears Bridge, Metro Vancouver, BC

As we approached Vancouver, I booked a hotel room for the evening at the Holiday Inn Express in Richmond, BC using Hotwire, a website for getting last minute cheap hotel rates (special thanks to my sister, Kaitlin for recommending this site!). We got a room for around $67/night, which is unheard of in the Vancouver area. Much like our night in Thunder Bay, were thrilled to finally have a bed to sleep in and a shower to use. I think Marley was the most excited of the three of us.

IMG_5169
Marley at the Holiday Inn Express, Richmond, BC

Once we settled in at the hotel, and ordered a celebratory pizza (my favourite), we began apartment hunting on Craigslist. One ad stood out among the rest, and had only been posted a few hours previously. It was a small modern suite in our price range, and the best part was: it was dog friendly. We made an appointment to view the suite the next day, with very high hopes.

We can thank Marley for winning the hearts of the landlords, because after meeting with us three, they agreed to have us sign a lease on the suite, and they even let us move in the following day! Some may call it luck, but I call it fate. Or maybe it’s a bit of both. Jobs followed hastily and with ease. Although I miss my family and friends greatly, the transition into this new life has been surprisingly natural. Maybe it’s because we are two wandering souls hungry for adventure, maybe it’s because we forged the path ourselves. With sharing my story I hope to inspire anyone who may be on the verge of taking a leap of faith, whether it’s deciding to take a big trip, or making a big life-changing decision in general. Thank you for following my journey with me, I hope to have many more journeys and share them with my fellow bloggers and readers.

I will be writing a Part 5 of this series, it will be my final reflection piece on this trip. It will include more details about the signs preceding the trip that should have stopped us from going at all, what I would have done differently and more.

 

 

 

On the Subjectivity of Beauty

Beauty is no quality in things themselves: It exists merely in the mind which contemplates them; and each mind perceives a different beauty. One person may even perceive deformity, where another is sensible of beauty; and every individual ought to acquiesce in his own sentiment, without pretending to regulate those of others. (David Hume, 1757)

This is my first blog…and for some narcissistic reason, I’m nervous as I write it. Why narcissistic, you may ask? Because my nerves are caused by the thought of what others will think while reading my blog, assuming that anyone will read it at all. I’ve always been very hard on myself when it comes to my own writing, very self-critical. I have to remind myself that the point here isn’t to achieve perfection in my prose, but to express my opinion, and hopefully improve the quality of my writing naturally. I digress, because the topic of writing isn’t what inspired me to begin writing somewhat publicly. The topic of beauty is on my mind, after a personal experience I had recently.

Before I dive into this story, I want to preface this by saying that I am not writing this to put anyone or any company “on blast”, my intention is not to start drama. I simply want to share my experience, and my thoughts following it.

Yesterday morning, as I was leaving GoodLife, feeling particularly good after a high intensity work out, I decided last minute that I should probably get my eyebrows done. My hair was tied back, I had no makeup on, and naturally I was in sweats because well, I had just left the gym, but this doesn’t phase me as it once had as a teenager. See, as a teenager, I probably wouldn’t have been caught dead without makeup on in public, but my confidence has sky-rocketed in comparison (Thank Goodness). And to be real, I just don’t give a shit if I don’t look “perfect” in public, why would I? Anyways-In this haggard state, I went to the salon for a quick eyebrow wax. When the aesthetician examined my face, she scolded me, in a joking manner of course, for “playing” with my eyebrows too much. Apparently my eyebrows are sparse and I had botched my arch. This, I understand, she would point out, because she was in the midst of doing my brows. She assured me that it would be no easy task, but she would do her very best to fix my mistakes. Whatever, I thought, this is her job. She then told me she would show me how to fill my brows in, to make them appear more even. I never fill in my eyebrows- I love makeup, and I find great joy in creating new looks, but I just don’t touch my eyebrows. When she filled in my eyebrows, I honestly thought I looked like a clown, but I didn’t want to insult her work, so I told her they looked great and thanked her for giving me tips. She then tried to sell me a $50 eyebrow kit, which I declined, because I just can’t justify $50 on eyebrow gunk that I will never find use in.

Then, during a conversation about eyeliner, she told me since I have “droopy eyes”, I should use their gel liner and gave me tips on how to give my eyes more of a “lift”. Umm, Ok, not cool, but I just laughed inside because, I’m 22, and not once have I looked at my own eyes and thought “man those are droopy”. To top it all off, she wanted to sell me a facial treatment, and pointed out the imperfections on my skin, but if I spend just $40, my imperfections will be fixed! Finally, when she asked to see my teeth to determine if I needed a whitening treatment, I decided to pay and get the hell out of there. I didn’t tip. All of this happened in a 10 minute time period, I was scared if I stayed a minute longer, she would start examining the rest of my body. I left perplexed. Thank God that wasn’t 16 year-old me sitting in that chair, because that would have destroyed me. Until recent years, other people’s opinions in terms of my looks had a serious affect on my own opinion of myself, luckily I’ve grown since then.

The reason I’ve been so inspired to write on this topic is because of my own opinion on beauty. To me, beauty is so subjective, it is so personal, and as Hume said, beauty exists in the mind that contemplates it. My imperfections, or deformities as Hume states, in her mind, are simply part of what makes me me. For years my imperfect skin really tortured me, I couldn’t let anyone see my skin, and as a result, I never let my natural skin see the light of day, as I’d layer foundation and concealers all over it. Not to say I don’t wear makeup now, because I certainly do, but I also go out without it, and either way, I’m comfortable with how I look. And I’ve found people in my life who accept me for who I am, and also, for who I’m not. But of utmost importance, I’ve found acceptance in myself. I’ll never be perfect, all I can be is myself, and there’s nothing more beautiful than just embracing everything that makes you you. I realize that is super corny, but it is so true to me! Especially since confidence was such a journey for me, and for so many women AND men of all ages.

The biggest message I want to get across, or lesson I suppose, Is that no one except you can define what beauty is to you. Find beauty in things other than materialism, vanity or what you should find beautiful. Follow your own path. Don’t let someone talk you into redefining who you are because they don’t find it beautiful. Beauty isn’t static.