Nihilism at its finest

I’m just going to write and post this because lately every time I attempt to put something in writing I end up deleting it.

I’m tired. Often I find I’m too tired to write lately, which is very saddening, because writing is my therapy. I recently received a job promotion at my 9-5, and the best part is, I genuinely enjoy what I do. The way it works out though, after taxes and deductions, I actually make about the same as I made in my previous position. In my previous job, there were overtime opportunities, so often I’d actually make MORE than I do now. I know the experience I’m receiving in this new position is priceless (or so I’m told), but I’m feeling cynical about it all, and a little hopeless. I have loads of student and credit card debt, bills on top of bills, and no end in sight. I was more on top of my finances when I was serving tables than I am now. But I hated serving tables. Mostly because I hated the questions whenever I called home, inquiring as to why I was still serving tables. I have always struggled with trying to make others happy without thinking about my needs. I fear “failure”, whatever that is. And so I worked my ass off and got out of serving and into a coveted 9-5 comfy job. Yes it’s comfortable, yes I have benefits. It’s all good. But is it? Is this what I’ve wanted, or is this what we are told to want? I let the system brainwash me, and now I feel more confused than 16 year old me.

I hate to play the millennial card, but we are a doomed generation. As children we were told we could be ANYTHING we wanted to be. But reality hits when you turn 17 and you are told you must go to university, but to do that you have to take out thousands of dollars in student loans; but don’t worry, you don’t have to pay those until 6 months after you graduate!! So you enjoy your liberal arts degree because it fulfills your soul and mind, until 6 months before graduation, when the anxiety and realization of what 17-year-old you signed up for begins to creep in. So there you are, smiling through the fear as you collect your $40,000 piece of paper with absolutely no career prospects and no clue how to manage your finances.

Here I am, 2.5 years after achieving my degree, with this career thing I was supposed to get, and a boyfriend who also has a full time career, yet we are struggling to make ends meet. And it makes me so frustrated and upset. If this is the life society shoves down our throats from high school into adulthood, we need to re-evaluate what is truly important in life. I no longer receive those calls from home wondering where the hell my life is headed, because in their eyes, I’ve hit the jackpot! I have my career started, there’s no need to worry! Right? Well, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. When I got to the end of the rainbow there was no pot of gold, just a heap of anxiety and a slap in the face from reality.

And so I’m going to make more time for the things I love to do. Writing is my number one, and painting is a new thing in which I find great enjoyment. I need to piece together how to make an income from writing so I can finally do what I love to do. If anyone has any tips, please let me know. 😊

I apologize for the bitterness. I just needed to return to my therapeutic ways. I have many positive things upcoming, but today I needed to vent. Does anyone else ever just feel so frustrated, but they don’t feel they have a proper outlet? Thank you for allowing me to unwind.