Kilig

I remember it like it was yesterday, the day you came back.

It was a typical December night for Ottawa. The cold air prickled against my cheeks and nose, the only part of my body left unbundled. The sky had fallen to complete darkness by dinner time, but I remember the way the snowflakes sparkled as they fluttered past the street lamps ever so softly. I recall leaving my apartment on Riverside that evening with butterflies in my stomach. I walked in silence down the road to the bus station that would bring me to you, my heart hammering in my chest and the butterflies not letting up for even a moment. 3 months time and 3,000 miles had kept us apart, but finally I could have you once more. Our future wasn’t clear but I didn’t care, it was our night.

The 25 minute ride on the 97-Airport bus felt like a lifetime, but every stop lessened the distance between us a little more. I had never been to the Ottawa Airport before, and I was so nervous about missing my stop that I got off a stop too soon and had a 10 minute walk to Arrivals. Sometimes love is so inexplicably powerful that it takes over your entire being. Darkness surrounded me but the glow of the airport in the distance pulled me forward. I didn’t feel frightened by my new surroundings, nor cold from the relentless winter. People always talk about that moment when you realize someone is the one. This evening was the moment I knew. Love doesn’t need explanation, it cannot always be rationalized. Love was my driving force that evening, and it pulsed through my being with unquestionable vehement.

 

I remember scoring a leather massage chair next to baggage claim but I couldn’t sit still. The butterflies had expanded their real estate and taken over my entire body. I paced anxiously, questioning the route of my nerves. I checked the time on my phone as I counted down the minutes to your scheduled arrival. 3 months isn’t a long time but it equates to a lifetime when you’re without the one you love. What if’s started plaguing my mind. What if I’m not who he remembers me to be? What if it doesn’t work out? What if he leaves again? What if…What if…

 

But then, when I noticed you in the distance, my doubts were silenced. I could feel your signature ear-to-ear smile even though you were still 100 yards away. Everything around us seemed to blur as I started walking, and then running towards you. Nothing mattered anymore. I didn’t care who was looking as I jumped into your arms and wrapped my legs around your waist. Tears were falling from our eyes as we laughed and kissed and touched and reunited. I could have held on to you for forever in that very moment.

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Inspired by the Filipino word Kilig –Written in response to the daily Filipino word prompt for Word High July. 

 

 

 

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The Reality of Dreaming

I was sitting on the couch by your side when the ground began shaking. A surge of panic rushed through me as I jumped to my feet, and when I turned to look your way, you were gone. The ground began rumbling again, only this time louder and more intense.

As I studied my surroundings I realized they were foreign to me. This isn’t my home, where am I?! The details of the apartment were minimal, defined only by its stark white walls and concrete floors. It was cold and unwelcoming and we needed to get out of here. Suddenly a loud CCCRAACK ripped through the walls of our faux-home, and I began screaming your name.

Except whenever I tried screaming your name, nothing came out.

I ran through the hole-in-the-wall to find myself in the middle of downtown Vancouver. I knew it to be Vancouver but I was lost amidst the chaos of people. I didn’t understand what was going on but one thing was evident: they were all running in the same direction. When I turned to look behind me, large groups of tornadoes were obliterating everything in their paths. The city around me is being ripped apart and I just need to find you.

I see you in the distance but you’re walking away from me. I began shoving everyone to the side as I ran towards you, and that’s when I noticed Marley’s tail wagging next to you. I need to just reach you both, I need to feel safe again. Our world is crumbling around us and I’m not even with you. Please just turn around and hold me until it’s over. I collapse to the ground and squeeze my eyes shut until it all ends. I can’t bear the weight of this alone.

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When I opened my eyes I found myself in my bed in a cold sweat. The tornadoes were gone but the loneliness lingered. My head ached from clenching my jaw and my heart hurt as though I had just lost everything.

Whether or not you believe in analyzing dreams, I believe dreams of this magnitude don’t simply occur without cause.

It’s not the tornadoes themselves that I fear, it’s what they materialized out of.

Inner anguish, stress, confusion?

Why was it tearing apart my life so rapidly and leaving me alone to endure its wrath?

I take it as a subconscious cry for help.

The next day, I faced my inner demons. No longer will I endure pain of that magnitude, both in my dreams and reality.

 

Inspired by The Daily Post’s daily word prompt, Dream. 

Feature image of Vancouver at night by my talented partner, TrHippie. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Raison D’être

Inspired by The Daily Post’s Discover Challenge Prompt: Raison D’être

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When the other kids teased me for my puffy hair, acne-riddled face and boyish physique, You were there.

When he left us for his “old high school girlfriend,” You were there.

When he came back pleading for forgiveness, You were there.

When my teachers told me to pursue something more profitable than writing, You were there.

When we first moved to that small town far away from home and I had no new friends and felt as though I had lost all my old ones too, You were there.

When I spent my first night of university too crippled by social anxiety to leave the comfort of my dorm room, You were there.

When my heart smashed into so many pieces that I didn’t know if it would piece back together again, You were there.

When I finally found myself, and for the first time, loved myself, You were there.

When I had to suffer the greatest loss I’ve ever experienced, You were there.

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I’ve given up on You from time to time and I’m sorry for ever doubting you. You’ve been there for me when I had no one and nothing. When my heart was bleeding You allowed me to spill onto your pages. When no one could hold my hand, I held a pen. I’ve taken out my anger on You, jamming the pen into the notepad as hard as I can when I’ve felt I’m at my wits end. I’ve shared more emotions with You than anyone else on this planet.

Writing, You are my raison d’être.